by Dr. Yvonne Eve Walus Introduction · Does chaos make you feel stressed? · Are you able to think in a noisy room? · Do you feel irritable when the light is too bright? You may be surprised to learn that it is your working style that is responsible for your stress, your road rage, your choice communication medium and, of course, your parenting methods. The New Baby The arrival of a new baby, particularly your first, is usually a wonderful and exciting time in your life. But if you’re feeling anxious instead of happy, chances are, it’s just your working style that’s finding it difficult to cope with the new situation. While some people thrive on change (they change houses, countries and jobs more often than you change your hairstyle), others prefer the stability of routine and will find a new baby unsettling, no matter how much love they have to give. Left Brain, Right Brain Over the past few decades, a lot has been discovered about the two brain hemispheres and how they govern our lives: some people are analytical and perform tasks step-by-step (left-brain thinkers), while others prefer to process information holistically and simultaneously (right-brain-thinkers). If you are an analytic, you prefer dealing with one thing at a time and are typically driven by deadlines, lists and order. As a parent (particularly under stress when your inherent thinking style is at its most predominant), you will find it difficult to multitask. Not for you are simultaneous conversations with your 5 year old about Dream Catcher, while you’re changing a nappy and planning the afternoon tea menu. Being on time is important to an analytic, so you will need to put a set of rules in place to ensure punctuality. Start getting ready twenty minutes earlier than you think conceivably necessary. Develop a process for getting the children ready (and for keeping the ready ones ready while you’re dealing with the others). Doing one thing at a time is important to lowering the stress levels an analytic. Your children will soon learn to take heed when you say: “Please be quiet for one minute while I change this nappy, then you can tell me what happened to Nemo, and then we can make sandwiches.” Holistic people, in contrast, are multi-processors who want to know the overall picture and aren’t bothered with details. If you are a holistic, you will tend to use your intuition instead of your logic when it comes to solving a parenting issue. Unlike analytics, you are not objective-driven, so you can appreciate the process and enjoy the journey - such as doing beading or cooking with your children - and you don’t care so much about having a finished product at the end of the day. Communication, Communication, Communication How many times have you asked your children to do something… no, let me rephrase that. Most children will pretend not to hear you most of the time, that’s the rule, unless you ask: “Who wants chocolate?” Observe your children as they explore a new territory to figure out what their preferred method of obtaining information is: through their ears, their eyes, their mouth, their hands or with action. If they seem to favour their eyes, make visual clues (pictures for smaller children, key words for older ones) and point to the prop when you say: “Remember, we don’t run in the house.” For tactile children, supply a prop that they can handle: “Here is your teddy telling you it’s bedtime.” Kinaesthetic children will benefit most from some physical activity connected to the words: “Hop up and down ten times while you say Sharing is good, tearing is bad.” Structure what you say: some children want to know the purpose or the end result of your speech (why are we talking about seeds?) before they are willing to get to know the details. Others love details and don’t really care about the bigger picture. Experiment with both methods: details first or overview first to see what works. Motivating your Children There are two types of motivation: external and internal. Externally motivated children will be happy to do as they are told in exchange for a treat, a sticker on their star chart or for words of praise. Internally motivated children, however, do things only because they themselves want to. No amount of reward or “punishment” is going to change their performance: they simply will care neither about the carrot, nor the stick. You will have to make them understand the benefit of certain actions and the dangers of not obeying rules - but ultimately, the motivation will have to come from within the child. Conclusion · If listening is not your strong point, you may struggle to listen to children’s prattle. · If you’re an evening person, morning baby duties will be physically stressful on your body and brain. · If you are an analytic, you might get lost in the details of parenting instead of looking at the bigger picture and picking your battles. · If you need silence, you will find all the noise made by happy and healthy children stressful and distracting. · Some people feel depressed or sleepy in dark rooms, others get hyperactive or stressed in brightly lit-rooms. This is true of fathers and children alike, so if your child seems listless or over-active and their sugar levels are in norm, pay attention to how they act in darker or lighter areas of the house. · If you like neatness and order, expect your patience to be stretched in a non-child-free home. · If you like being part of a team, you’d better form a group of stay-at-home fathers or mothers really fast. You will notice that, in addition to the company they provide, work really does get done quicker if you are all team players. Moreover, when the children are older, you can take turns to look after the whole bunch while the other fathers have a few hours of me-time · If you don’t like following recipes, making play dough and lunchbox muffins will be stressful at best, and a fiasco at worst. · If you thrive on change, you might find the daily routines so necessary for a young child’s wellbeing… well, dull. Did I just say dull? I take that back. My two-year old has just burst into the room and pressed the Reset button on my computer, while my four-year old has settled herself on my knee to tell me about her day. I now have apple juice stains on my t-shirt as well as on my keyboard. With parenting, there’s never a dull moment. Side panel: What is a Working Style? Barbara Prashnig, the director of Auckland-based Prashnig Style Solutions and a leading international expert in the field, offers a unique perspective on factors that may contribute to your stress levels at work and at home. She calls it the working style mismatch. “Everybody has his or her unique Working Style,” say Barbara, “a way in which they concentrate, make decisions and solve problems. If you are forced to work in a way that is not inherently you, you will usually experience stress and frustration, which may ultimately lead to ill health.” (To analyse your Working Style, please visit PSS on www.pss-styles.com.) Side panel: Are you feeling stressed? Feeling stressed goes hand in hand with being a parent. How, how you cope with stress is also a hallmark of your working style. Strong analytics try to cope with stress by becoming focussed and withdrawn until the problem is solved (think of a stereotypical man retreating to his cave: an analytic woman will tend to want to do the same). Strong holistics, on the other hand, become emotionally involved in the problem and try to solve it by talking and discussing - that’s equally true for both genders. Side panel: Which Style is Best for Me? There is no right or wrong when it comes to working or parenting style. Handling tasks well in a style that’s comfortable and compatible with our own leads to job satisfaction and greater productivity. Having a better understanding of other people’s working style can help us improve your communications, resolve conflicts constructively, and lead to more contracts. Says Dr. Helmut Jasch, an ex Marketing Executive for IBM Europe: “The most important advantage, however, will come from your self-awareness. Knowing how you like to work and working in your optimal way, is going to make you like your work. It will also reduce stress, improve wellbeing, make you more efficient and - happier.” There is very little we can do about our inborn preferences, short of accepting them and making them work for you.